I have been struggling. Really struggling. And I have no clue how to get out of it.
Let me clarify…not struggling with life in general. We downsized our home with our recent move saving us money. My daughter is not sleeping at night (which is really not helping my mental state) but she is getting so big and is going to school this fall. I am close to family and friends that I get to see more often. I have a loving husband who would do anything for me. Not to mention my cat who now has her diabetes under control. Basically life is good. But for me personally it is horrible.
I figured out a while ago that being a SAHM was not my gig, but I did not want to work 50 hours a week either. So for a while I did some cleaning jobs, worked for my in-laws for a while and truthfully, it kept my sanity. But since the end of May when work ran out for me, I feel disheveled. Lost. Empty. I have been doing projects at our new house that have taken up a lot of time but those things are starting to slow down and there is less for me that MUST get done. Not to mention, with my kid waking me up 10-20 times a night, I don’t have much energy for anything.
I want to work, but no one ever calls. I get tired of spending hours and hours and hours of filling out applications online for no one to ever call. Last summer I applied for at least 30 positions and no one called. I have a teaching licence collecting dust because no one calls.
I read, do housework, take care of day to day stuff, but I don’t feel fulfilled. I feel a bit depressed actually. Everything is the same. Its like the movie Groundhogs Day, everything repeated. I need to work to give me the sense of contributing to my household as well as society and right now I’m not. I have applied for everything under the sun (within reason) and nothing happens. I thought about going back to school but I am already thousands in debt from a degree I don’t use already.
I need something. I need something to fulfill me. I need something other than the monotony from every day life. I need something for me.
I know great things come in their own time, but watching the hands of a clock move is as useless as waiting for water to boil.
Tick-tok. Tick-tok. Tick-tok.